


A Flickering Flame

by wishfulFeline



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Flirting, Based on a True Story, Champion Masaru | Victor, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Depression, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Themes, Living Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Physical Disability, Professor's Assistant Hop, Rivals to Lovers, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Therapy, but i SWEAR it has a happy cheesy ending, hop and victor are in love but hop is too dense to recognize its requited, i put hop through the meat grinder in this one hes suffering, lots of pain lots of fluff, me? projecting? well, this fic is so damn sad wtf, will try and update quickly but no promises im bipolar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27613861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulFeline/pseuds/wishfulFeline
Summary: Victor already knew Hop used to hurt himself. He assumed that was a thing of the past. Just something that happened a few times during the gym challenge. He was blind to the fact it had continued for so much longer. He never expected to be the first one to find his goodbye letters.
Relationships: Hop/Masaru | Victor
Comments: 11
Kudos: 54
Collections: something old something new something borrowed something blue





	A Flickering Flame

**Author's Note:**

> warning this first chapter is VERY GRAPHIC!! the other chapters are tamer but still have some squeamish parts!! so if you think this will trigger your own suicidal or self harm urges, do NOT read this chapter!! maybe skip to the second or third once theyre posted :]  
> this fic started out as a way to let out my feelings and both retell a true story i heard from an emt and also things that have happened to me before but once i finished the most depressing parts i realized it was way too heartbreaking  
> i want this to be a story about healing, comfort, and the gradual process of hop regaining hope and the will to live with victor at his side  
> if youre willing to brave the pain to see to the happy ending, please enjoy!! <3

The first time Victor truly had no choice but to open his eyes on the reality of Hop’s emotions was a night he intended to be peaceful. A time he had wanted to be a good memory for the two of them. For so much of their journey thus far, Victor and Hop had spent a large portion of time traveling separately. As much as Victor had wanted to insist they spend more time together, Hop seemed set on working independently for the sake of being “true rivals” so they wouldn’t be expecting every upcoming move from the other. Victor found it irritating and a pretty lame excuse, but Hop was Hop and always would be Hop. He would do whatever it took to achieve the dream he’d so fervently been set on since childhood.

That’s why it surprised Victor even more, to hear Hop softly ask with downcast eyes, “What would you do if I died?”

Victor turned to him quickly, mouth agape in shock. “What? What kind of question is that?”

Hop’s expression faltered and he squirmed uncomfortably in place. With an awkward smile he answered, “I just got curious.”

Victor furrowed his eyebrows in concern, biting the inside of his cheek. “I-I guess it depends.”

“How so?” Hop posed, voice so much more uncertain than Victor was used to hearing. Hop was always loud, confident, and sure of himself, wasn’t he? So why did he sound so far away and fearful just by the sound of his own voice?

“Depends on how you died,” Victor answered. Hop glanced up at him curiously as the brunette continued. “If someone killed you I’d get revenge for sure, whatever I had to do. That is if Leon didn’t beat me to the punch. If you got sick I’d try and contribute as much as possible to finding a cure or helping others that are sick in your memory. Um...if it was an accident, I’m not sure what I would do. I’d definitely feel awful though.” He laughed bitterly. 

“But none of that is going to happen,” Victor assured him, making Hop perk up in surprise. Victor turned to Hop and grinned at him brightly. “You and I are always gonna be rivals, aren’t we? That’s what you told me, after all. So neither of us can die before the other.” He put his hand on Hop’s shoulder and shook him reassuringly. Hop smiled back at him.

“Yeah! You’re right! I was just being hypothetical. We’ll always be rivals!” he agreed cheerfully. But Victor didn’t miss his hands curled into fists at his sides and the way his grin didn’t reach his eyes. 

—

The second time is another occasion Victor expected to be pleasant. He’d just beaten the Circhester gym. Because Hop was so torn up about his first gym loss, Victor wanted to camp with him and cook curry with him. 

They were best friends, after all, weren’t they? Any time Hop was sad Victor wanted to be there for him. He just had to hope that Hop would actually come to him when he needed it. He couldn’t read his mind or anything. For the most part Hop acted like his regular self. 

“Come on, it’s just _one_ loss. I won’t give up that easily! It’s only because I’ve got two water types that the Ice gym was troublesome. Don’t worry about me mate!” he’d said. Victor decided to believe him. Even though in truth it wasn’t just _one_ loss. It was one of many losses Hop had faced thus far, be them in fights with Pokémon, people, or fate itself. 

They chatted aimlessly getting everything set up. Hop’s laugh was as contagious as Victor remembered it being. It was impossible for him to notice the way Hop’s smile would instantly drop the second he wasn’t looking. That the smile he gave his Pokémon was less happy and more apologetic. Because Hop always had a smile on his face. 

While Victor stirred the pot, Hop opted to fan the fire beneath it instead. Victor absentmindedly watched their Pokémon playing and interacting around the campsite and it made his heart warm. This adventure had certainly been hard, but it was so fun too! Whether he won or lost he felt ready to keep moving forward with his team and rivals to count on. In the end, as much as he wants to be champion, regardless of the result he knows it’ll be worth it.

For him, at least.

The flames of the fire beneath the pot called out to Hop. They shone brightly, illuminating his golden eyes. He feels so fucking _cold._ The coals fueling the fire of his passion and motivation were dulling the more time passed by. The more battles he had, the more he struggled, the fewer sparks flew. It was agonizing. He wasn’t _good enough._ He wasn’t the trainer he swore he would be. He was far from it. It hurt so much inside.

If he could just warm up…

If he could just reignite that flame…

If the hurt outside matched that inside…

“Hop! What are you doing!?” Victor shouted, yanking Hop away from the flames that licked hungrily at his hand as he moved it further into the flames. Hop looked at Victor, bewildered that the brunette had even taken notice.

“I-I don’t know. What was I doing?” Hop asked, eyes vacant. Victor furrowed his eyebrows, jaw slack in confusion.

“You almost burned yourself! Please...b-be more careful. I think the fire is strong enough now anyhow, so don’t worry about it, okay?” Victor replied anxiously. Hop nodded, mouth a thin line before he finally returned to reality. He forced a smile again before getting up and going over to set up a blanket for them to eat on. Victor watched his back with worry. _‘Hop just spaced out, is all...he couldn’t possibly want to hurt himself, could he?’_

—

The most recent time Victor feels like an idiot for not questioning more. He and Hop were heading back to Postwick together for the first time following his Championship win. He’d been away from home for far too long...Victor missed his mother a lot. He was looking forward to being able to sleep in his own bed and be welcomed home by his neighbors and family. It was bittersweet knowing his time with them all would be shortened greatly as his work as Champion was sure to increase quickly. 

Victor was happy Hop was at his side for this. The past few days had been exhausting. Traumatic doesn’t even begin to cover it. Having to take this train ride alone would feel far too lonely. With Hop he’d be okay.

But Hop feels so much worse. So, so much worse. How much he wished he was alone. This train ride would be so much easier. He could sit by himself and cry his eyes out into his duffle bag and not have to worry about forcing a smile until he got home. But with Victor? He can’t possibly do that to Victor. He can’t cry in front of him. Make him feel guilty or concerned for him. Now Victor has lots on his plate. Way more important things to focus on then him. Hop...shouldn’t ever be one of his concerns. He’s here to motivate Victor! Cheer him on and make him laugh! Hop shouldn’t...he shouldn’t ask for anything selfish from him.

They can hear the train coming closer. Clacking on the tracks as it speeds towards the station. And something in Hop snaps. Like a rubber band being stretched too far. 

Waste time writing a death note? Why do something like that and make anyone feel responsible? Just do it not. Get it over with. Just **fucking die already.**

Victor flinches and jolts to attention when Hop’s bag drops to the floor. Faster than Victor’s reflexes tell him to reach out, Hop rushes forwards towards the tracks. Feet past the yellow do-not-cross line. The toes of his shoes on the edge as he turns to be certain the train is almost there. Hop screams in shock when suddenly a horrified Victor is grabbing him from under both his arms and dragging him back. The other people in the station gasp and share shocked reactions with one another as Victor forces Hop away from the oncoming train. “Hop, what are you thinking!?” Victor snaps as he lets Hop go. Hop looks at him, eyes wide and heart pounding a mile a minute. 

“What? What was I…?” he asks, in shock. Victor picks up Hop’s bag and gives it to Hop.

“You almost got hit by the train! What’s gotten into you!?” Victor asks, frightened. 

Hop...laughs. “Really? Man, I had no idea. I’m so out of it I swear I saw a Sqwovet on the tracks.” Victor swallows hard. Puts a hand on his chest. He feels like he’s suffocating.

“A Sqwovet? Hop, y-you—even if there _was_ a Sqwovet, don’t get killed for it!” Victor pleads. Hop feels like bursting into tears seeing how distraught Victor is. _‘If only I’d jumped faster.’_

“I’m sorry, mate. I’m just...so exhausted,” Hop assures him. It isn’t entirely a lie. Victor hugs Hop. Hop stands there stiffly, frozen, before returning it. Victor is shaking. 

“Sleep on the train. I’ll make sure we don’t miss our stop.” Hop nods silently. 

—

Victor rubs his eyes with his fingers and thumb with a frustrated sigh. It’s irritating that even though the gym challenge that year had just passed that there was still so much remaining to do. He feels like how he assumes Santa Claus must; getting ready for next year right after that one's Christmas ends. He takes a glance at his Rillaboom and Roselia, asleep on the couch across the room. _‘Wish that was me right now,’_ he thinks. He’d do anything to have some distraction or at the very least some company. Once all the excitement of defending his title against a challenger and being swarmed by praise finished and he had time to himself, he was both relieved and...a little lonely. The attention and all the socializing he’s expected to do is _exhausting_. He’s managed to adjust to it, though, even if it means clenching back his feelings of anxiety and impulse to run away constantly.

He reads over document after document, signing what needs to be signed, filing what needs to be filed, etc. He should be concerned over the fact that a lot of the information he’s just seeing and not processing or committing to memory but he cruelly leaves it all up to his future self to deal with. Victor is tapped to awareness by the sound of his phone chirping in notification. He’s certain it must just be another assignment that’ll keep him here even later into the night or commitments he needs to fulfill in the upcoming weeks, but his eyes sparkle seeing the Dubwool emote he’s put next to the contact name on screen. 

-Hop: Just a little daily reminder you’re my best friend and I love you so much.

Victor raises his eyebrows before a smile tugs at his lips. This is a welcomed surprise. He really despises how his time with Hop has been stretched thin and their meetings are usually no more than a day. It’s a little shameless how excited he gets at the mention of the other and the prospect of meeting up with him. His sister and other rivals certainly get a kick out of teasing him for his obvious affection.

-Victor: daily reminder? why haven’t you done this every day then? :-P

-Hop: Haha! I promise even if I don’t say it that I think it. 

Victor sighs out of his nose. _‘Cute.’_

-Victor: you’re so cheesy

-Victor: i like it though

-Victor: you know i feel the same way about you

-Victor: don’t think i ever don’t 

There’s a several minute break until Hop responds despite the seen notification having come up immediately. 

-Hop: Thank you.

Victor visibly tenses up. Their messages are always so carefree. Complaining about the tiny daily inconveniences they face, memes, pictures of their Pokémon, things of that nature. It was really rare for Hop to say something like... _that._

-Victor: of course mate :-)

-Hop: I miss you.

-Victor: i miss you too you dork

-Hop: Hehe.

Victor rolls his eyes. He always misses Hop. Being with him would be so much better than sitting in this stupid office at his stupid desk reading stupid papers that repeat the same thing over and over just to reach a certain page count. He can’t deny that the Professor’s assistant’s words are making him feel warm. When it came to people outside of his family, Hop was and always would be his number one. It almost felt as though they were closer than family in some ways in Victor’s eyes. 

-Victor: are you asking to meet up then?

-Victor: id love an excuse to get out of here i could just lie and say you needed me for a dynamax emergency or something

-Hop: Don’t do that! D^: 

-Victor: wwwhhhyyyyyyyy

-Hop: You have a job to do, dumbass. >:^(

-Victor: tru but its just one evening

Hop takes so long to respond that Victor actually starts getting back to work before Rotom faces him again.

-Hop: Tomorrow okay?

-Victor: great!!! what time?

He gets no response. He checks his phone a couple times just to check that he isn’t just missing it and his connection is bad, but no dice. He scoffs but he isn’t actually mad. He has responsibilities and so does Hop. In fact, it’s probably good Hop isn’t replying. He better be at home getting ready for bed and not at work as late as Victor is. Victor knows he does that all the time, though, but _still._

Time passes and Victor returns to his work, propping his head up on a hand and using the other to turn pages. And then finally another buzz. He excitedly grabs his phone to see if it was Hop. Nope, Sonia. Not that he dislikes talking to the Professor! He opens the message and upon reading Victor stares at his Rotomphone in disdain. 

-Sonia: Victor, is Hop with you? He hasn’t gotten back to me all day and I’m getting a little worried here. :/

Victor hurries to type a reply.

-Victor: he isn’t

-Victor: he’s at home in turffield i thought?

-Victor: do you think his phone died?

Sonia replies lightning-fast and Victor swears he can feel her anxiety through the screen.

-Sonia: All day? I don’t trust that. :( 

-Sonia: You guys are super close. Can you check on him, please?

Victor sighs.

-Victor: i’d been texting him earlier but he isn’t replying to me either actually

-Victor: i’ll try and head over to his place in like an hour if i don’t hear anything from him

-Sonia: Ugh. Thank you.

There’s a substantial pause between that message and the next.

-Sonia: Victor, I’m really worried about him.

Victor grimaces. _‘Is he still hurting…? No, of course he is. But there isn’t any particular reason this time. Is there? Is Hop hiding things from me?’_

-Victor: why? did something happen?

-Sonia: I don’t know if I would say it like that.

-Sonia: For a while now he’s just been looking sadder and sadder every day.

-Sonia: When he first started as my assistant he seemed so excited to start learning things. He’s been such a good student and a huge help!

-Victor: that doesn’t surprise me :-)

-Sonia: Of course not. He’s such a good boy. 

-Sonia: Which is why it’s scaring me so much that after seeing him in such awful shape that suddenly he isn’t talking to either of us.

Victor taps his fingers against his desk anxiously. Sonia’s words are searing into him like a hot iron. _‘Why hasn’t he said anything? He always seems so much happier than he did last year. Every time we talk he has so much to say about his research and Pokémon. Did something happen recently?’_

-Victor: define awful shape

-Sonia: Victor, last time I saw the poor thing he looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. 

-Sonia: Even when I would tell him to take a nap or a day off he’d always brush me off and say it was fine.

 _‘That definitely sounds like him,’_ Victor thinks to himself. _‘So were all of those “I’m fine”s just lies?’_

-Sonia: There’s a couple things I suspect to be going on but I don’t want to make assumptions.

The young champion glances at the time on his phone before taking a second look at just how much work he has to do. He takes a deep breath before leaning both elbows on the table and continuing to text Sonia. _‘Why am I even thinking about if I should or shouldn’t respond? Hop is more important than anything I need to do as Champion.’_

-Victor: what do you think is going on?

-Sonia: I don’t want to alarm you if it isn’t true.

-Sonia: I think Hop has been hurting himself.

Victor swallows as his mouth becomes dry and he forgets to breathe. Remembers.

—

_Victor clicked his tongue before taking a sharp inhale. “Hop, are you okay?”_

_The question immediately uneased him. Just how much did Victor know? He wasn’t making his heartache too obvious, was he? “Is this about me losing the gym battle? If it is, I promise I’m alright. You don’t need to waste time worrying about me.”_

_“It’s not a waste of time!” Victor snapped, taking Hop off guard. “I-I care about you so much, so...so why do I have to find out from Bede of all people just how much pain you’re in!?”_

_Hop bares his teeth and immediately looks away from Victor’s face._

_“Don’t—He just happened to see my crying, alright? You don’t need to over react or anything!” Hop insisted but Victor grabbed Hop’s hand before it could completely retreat._

_“You weren’t just crying, Hop! Why would you do that!? Why would you hurt yourself!?” Victor shouted, tears already budding in his eyes._

_Hop tried to tug his hand away but Victor just held on tighter. Victor wouldn’t let him run away from this. “It’s stupid! It was just some stupid thing I did!”_

_“Did you do it again!?” Victor yelled. He was completely panicking, terrified at the very concept of his best friend intentionally injuring himself._

_Hop bit his lower lip hard and clenched his fists. How could he possibly tell Victor that when Bede saw him it wasn’t the first time or the last time?_

_“Hop, did you!?” Victor shouted, tears escaping his eyes at that point._

_“Yes! Stop yelling!” Hop answered, equally as loud._

_Victor let go of Hop’s hand to cover his own mouth. “Hop...why? Why would you do that?”_

_“Because I’m stupid,” Hop answers blunty, looking at his lap._

_“You aren’t stupid! Why would you think that?” Victor said, voice muffled by his hands as he tried to keep his voice from trembling._

_“I’m...I’m just a burden. Whenever I’m with you I’m just holding you back.” He clenched his hands tightly, pressing the tips of his nails into his palms. “I’m...I-I’m so inferior to you, it feels like—Victor, I’m so worthless. Why am I even trying to become Champion when I know I can never be as good as my older brother?” Hop said, voice quiet and uncertain._

_“Why…? Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?” Victor begged to know._

_Hop sucked his teeth and his eyes shimmered with tears. “Why would I? You’re doing so well. You and Gloria are doing so well and I know you’ll make it to the champion cup, but I’ll be lucky if I can even have all my gym badges by then.”_

_Victor shook his head, tears dripping onto Hop’s jacket. “You’re amazing, Hop! You’re my rival, remember? You—You motivate me, I want to do good, just like I want you to do good!” Victor grabbed Hop again, clinging to his jacket. “I believe in you, I don’t—I don’t want to go to the championship if it isn’t with you, Hop.”_

_Hop’s throat tightened as he finally started to cry. “I don’t deserve you, Victor.”_

_Victor wrapped his arms around Hop. “You do,” he whispered. He began sobbing onto his shoulder before Hop turned to face him and hug him back. Victor’s eyes grew wide as he felt the “ever-optimistic” Hop shake as he slowly broke down in his arms._

_All Victor could do was try and stop his tears and run his hands along Hop’s back as his friend wailed._

_ — _

_‘I thought that was a thing of the past.’_

-Victor: what makes you think that?

-Sonia: He’s doing a pretty awful job of hiding it.

-Sonia: Of course I’m going to notice all the bloody tissues in the bathroom at the lab.

-Sonia: I see him so often, how could I not notice the fact that he hasn’t worn a short sleeve shirt around me in over a month?

 _‘Over a_ **_month?_ ** _’_ Her words are making him feel ill. Victor’s stomach fills up with dread. _‘Like how he started rolling down his jacket and uniform sleeves half-way through the gym challenge.’_ He clenches his teeth. How could he have been blind to Hop’s pain **again?** How could he have been so ignorant as to assume just after one consolidation that Hop would stop? Especially considering he…

Victor already knew Hop hadn’t stopped after he comforted him alone that night. The night he held Hop in his arms as he cried and told him how much distress he was in. Certainly, the trainer had hoped it would be a one-time thing, but of course it wasn’t. He saw him after the championships. He saw him before Swordward and Shieldbert came along. He saw the shattered glass in his best friend's beautiful amber eyes. 

_‘Why didn’t I do anything?’_

But again, he was asking himself questions he already knew the answers to. He didn’t want to believe it. He tried to convince himself that Hop was strong enough to get through it and that he didn’t need his help. Hop had always been full of life. Hop had always been so much **more** than Victor in every way. It was an ignorant childish thought for Victor to have that Hop didn’t need his help. The fact of the matter was he needed it so badly but the fear of being a burden he’d always carried jammed the words back down his throat. 

-Victor: you’re probably right

-Victor: he’s done it before :-(

-Sonia: WHAT???  
-Sonia: No no no!  
-Sonia: That’s terrible! 

-Victor: i know he did it during our gym challenge a few times but i thought he’d moved past that when he decided to become your assistant 

-Sonia: A FEW TIMES???

-Sonia: Oh my Arceus, Victor, I’m really concerned. Please go check on him.

-Sonia: I’m scared.

Victor gnawed his lower lip. He got to his feet quickly, returning his sleeping Pokémon to their Pokéballs. Whatever. Screw work. Hell, he’d do anything in the world to make Hop feel better. 

-Victor: im scared too

-Victor: im heading right over

-Sonia: Thank you so much. :(

—

Stepping into Hop’s apartment is usually something that brings Victor joy, but the eerie silence and lack of lights makes him uncomfortable. All he hears is his own footsteps as he walks through the entryway and into the small front room which is half occupied by the kitchen. He clicks on a light and squints as his eyes adjust. On the dining table is a white envelope placed next to a large unlit candle. 

**Victor** is written on the card. Victor’s eyes widen in fear as he hurries over and grabs it, tearing it open hastily. 

_Victor,_

_Writing this letter took so many tries. I managed to finish my letters to everyone else pretty easily, but yours I worked on for months. I threw out draft after draft before finally coming to the conclusion I’ll probably never make one I’m entirely happy with. I can’t stand waiting any longer._

_I’m so, so sorry that you’re probably the first one finding me. But I know you’re strong. You’re the strongest person I know, and I know that you’ll be able to make it through this._

_You probably didn’t see this coming, right? That’s okay. It’s because when I’m with you I don’t feel sad. I’ve never wanted to show you how much despair I’ve been in. When I’m with you, I feel like I can make it through at least another day with the positivity you infect me with. You’re amazing. From the day we’ve met and every day after you’ve never made me doubt the fact that you’re my best friend._

_I’ve been so terrified to tell you I love you. I tell you I love you sometimes, but I mean it differently than what you perceive. I love you as a lover and not just a friend or partner. If it weren’t for you I’d never be as motivated as I was, be it during our childhood, our gym challenge, or all the times after. I’ve never felt stronger about anything before. You’re an incredible person and I wanted to always stay by your side. That’s why I never told you. I didn’t want to ruin what we have. I felt like such a creep for always looking at you the way I do. Even so, when I did, the world felt beautiful again._

_I don’t want you to blame yourself in any way for what I’ve done. You mean so much to me and the last thing I want to do is cause you any regret or guilt. I don’t want anyone to feel responsible for this. This is a choice that I’ve made and I’m the one going forward with it._

_There isn’t any hope left for me. You’re so special. I wish I was. After losing again and again I was brought to the realization that I could never be the best. I wasn’t a worthy enough rival to keep challenging you the way Raihan did with Lee. I desperately clung to the hope that maybe becoming Sonia’s apprentice would give me a new purpose. I loved it! I promise, I’ve loved a lot of my time researching Dynamaxing with her and Professor Magnolia! But in the end, I know I’m not needed. I’m just an assistant. I’ll never be someone important or influential. Just a name in the credits that no one will recognize. My dreams won’t come true._

_Ever since that first time I hurt myself I haven’t been able to keep myself from doing it for longer than two weeks. Since that day I’ve lacked the determination to heal. You told me to stop and to come to you if I needed help, but I could never bear the thought of disappointing you. I kept it to myself. I’ve never told anyone but you even though I’m sure some of them have connected the dots. You’ll always be the protagonist of your life, but you’re the protagonist of mine too._

_You might tell me you like being around me and that you want to see me, but it’s just a fact that you don’t need me. No one does. I trust you’ll help my Pokémon find good new owners or give them freedom if that’s what they’d want most. I love all of them so much. I love all of my friends so much. I love you with all of my heart, Victor. It’s such a huge lie that if you can’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else._

_If it’s too hard for you to look at me, it’s okay if you cremate me. The candle is for if the smell of blood is too much to handle. My Pokéballs are in my coat. The rest of the letters are in the mailbox just in case you read this before the others get sent out._

_I’m so sorry for what I’ve done._

_Love,_

_Hop_

_P.S. My dying wish is that you’ll never stop trying. Don’t ever give up like I am. I know that as long as you stay alive that the world will be a better place because you’re in it and changing it._

Victor throws up in his mouth. All the color drains from his face as he reads the letter as quickly as he can. His knees buckle and his heart races because **this can’t be fucking happening, this has to be a nightmare, this can’t possibly be real.**

“Hop! Hop, where are you!? Oh my fucking God, Hop, where are you!?” Victor screams in terror, dropping the letter and whipping his head around aimlessly. On the counter he sees Hop’s coat folded neatly. In the center of it Victor can see a Pokéball frantically thrashing about. He rushes over and grabs it, the Pokéballs clattering loudly to the floor. The instant Dubwool’s Pokéball falls the fluffy Pokémon springs out on its own accord. It looks at Victor with wide eyes before bleating at him and scrambling loudly towards Hop’s bedroom and bathroom. Victor follows as quickly as he possibly can, adrenaline making it hard for him to breathe. 

Dubwool bashes its head against the bathroom door. Victor can hear feet scurrying deeper inside. Victor frantically tries the doorknob to no avail. Dubwool smashes his horns against the door again, leaving a crack in it. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Victor yells before gritting his teeth. He glances down at Dubwool. On the floor in front of the Pokémon’s hooves there’s blood gradually flowing further and further out from the bottom of the door. Victor steps back before kicking the door as hard as he possibly can. The hinges falter, the top one getting yanked halfway out of the doorframe. His entire body powered by terror on par with what he experienced fighting Eternatus, Victor winds up again and kicks the door, screaming in anger as he does. The door doesn’t come off but his foot breaks through it, creating a large hole and sending splinters flying. 

Victor can hear shallow sobbing. He presses himself against the door and reaches his arm through to aimlessly slam his hand against the door until he gets the doorknob and clumsily unlocks it before throwing the door open. He’s overcome with panic. That panic increases tenfold when he sees the room in front of him. 

He’s never seen so much blood in his entire life. Coagulated puddles on the bathroom counter and dried streaks going from the top of the sink down the drain. Blood is splattered on the mirror, the walls, the bathtub, the toilet, _everywhere._ But worst of all the floor is so covered that it’s filled in every crack in the tile. There’s **so fucking much blood.** With dry socks and stainless clothes Victor steps inside, his entire body shaking uncontrollably. 

“Hop?” he croaks out. In the corner of the room hiding behind the toilet is Hop. Paler and smaller than Victor has ever seen. His cheeks and eyes are glistening with tears that continue to fall. The room smells like dirty coins and it makes Victor’s eyes sting. Hop looks at him like he’s the most terrifying sight he’s ever seen. 

He takes a second step closer. Warm blood soaks into his socks. His eyes widen in horror and he gasps. In one hand Hop holds a pair of kitchen shears covered in so much blood and _flesh_ that it’s dripping down his fingers. His left arm is practically destroyed.

Never before has Victor seen an injury so severe and deep that it would leave someone’s body misshapen. More muscle on his inner arm is visible than skin and the skin that remained is dangling off and covered in blood that continues to gush onto Hop’s clothes and floor. It’s horrifying just how outrageously Hop has mutilated his arm. With how many veins have been sliced it’s impossible for the blood to clot. The longer Hop has spent pacing and sobbing in his bathroom the more and more he’s cut off. His only thoughts had been _“This hurts so much” and “Why can’t I die faster?”_

Voice raspy and painful from wailing in pain, Hop whimpers, “You aren’t supposed to be here yet.” Victor feels bile rising in his throat. “Don’t call the police,” Hop begs. Victor drops to his knees and vomits in the bathtub. Hop can’t take it. He drops the scissors and it clangs against a knife already on the tiles. He wails loudly, clenching his eyes shut and throwing his head back and sobbing. “Victor, I didn’t want you to have to see me like this! I’m sorry, don’t look at me! Please don’t look at me!”

So Victor doesn’t. Without another word Victor wipes the vomit from his lips with the back of his hand and takes out his phone and does exactly what Hop begged him not to. He calls the police. 

“We need an ambulance **right now!** ” Victor shouts into the phone, tears forming in his eyes. Before the operator can even speak he gives the address _twice._ “Please hurry, **please!** My friend is dying, he’s bleeding out, this is an emergency!” 

The person on the other side of the line gently says, “Sir, I need you to calm down.” It _infuriates_ him. 

“I can’t! My best friend needs help, please! He’s going to die!” he screams into the receiver. He hyperventilates and in the tiny pause of silence Hop cries harder.

“No, no, no, Victor, fucking stop! Leave right now, just let me die already! I don’t want your fucking help!” he wails, tears waterfalling down his chin. In the doorway Dubwool stands stamping his hooves and bleating at him loudly. He tries to step forward but Hop weakly lifts up his arms to wave him away. Blood flies across the room. “Don’t come in! Don’t come in, please, I don’t want you to see me like this, Dubwool!”

Victor winces and presses his phone harder against his head. “Alright, what is wrong with your friend? Why is he bleeding out?” she asks.

Voice shaking he answers, “He cut himself! He sliced up his arm with a knife or scissors or—and there’s blood everywhere!”

“Was it intentional?” the operator continues.

Tears overflow from his eyes and he sobs as he replies, “Yes! He’s trying to kill himself, but I don’t want him to die! I-I-I don’t know how long he’s been bleeding but there’s so much blood and I don’t want him to die! Please! Please help me!”

Hop screams in pain as he struggles to his feet. He clings to the toilet to try and lift himself up but the second he tries to step forward he slips on his blood and crashes loudly to the floor, slamming his jaw against the ground. One of his teeth cracks. Victor turns around quickly. He drops his phone in the bathtub without hanging up and grabs Hop. He wraps his arms around his waist and lifts him to his side. Hop tries to squirm away but Victor is horrified by how weak and limp he is in his arms. Victor can hear the scratchiness of Hop’s voice as he relents and droops over like a dead flower. “I want to die. I want to die...please, Victor,” he whimpers.

Victor bursts into tears and hugs Hop. “Please don’t die! Hop, you’re everything to me, don’t fucking die! I need you!” He gets on one knee to reach up and grab a blood-stained towel off of the towel rack. He pulls Hop’s left arm closer to him, making him spasm, before wrapping the towel around his arm and pressing it hard. Hop sobs. Victor looks at Dubwool and begs “Please have Zacian break down the front door. Have Inteleon wait by the entrance of the building to lead EMTs to the right room! We can’t waste a second!” Dubwool doesn’t hesitate, galloping away to inform Hop’s other Pokémon. Victor only had Rillabloom and Roselia with him and he desperately hoped neither of them were seeing what was going on from their Pokéballs. They certainly could _hear._

“Hop, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you ask for help?” Victor says, sobbing. Hop looks at him, eyes full of pain.

“I didn’t want to make you sad,” he whispers. He winces hard and his breathing is slow and struggled. Victor wants to scream back _“Implying you dying wouldn’t make me saddest of all!?”_ but Hop’s consciousness starts to fade. He goes limp in Victor’s arms and the brunette starts to hyperventilate again. 

“Hey. Hey, Hop. Open your eyes. D-Don’t pass out. Don’t…” Victor can hardly force the words out. “Don’t leave me.” He presses the towel down on Hop’s arm firmly and nudges his head under Hop’s chin and listens for a heartbeat. He’s still here. He’s still alive. Victor sniffles and cries into Hop’s chest. Their pants are drenched in now cold blood and Victor doesn’t move his head from Hop’s chest until he finally hears sirens approaching.

—

He wakes up. Thank God, Hop wakes up. It’s a full day after the horrific event Victor had rescued him from. It’s better than waiting weeks. The relief Victor felt when a nurse told him comas only typically happen after severe brain injuries may have only been bested by how he felt when the Pokéball containing Eternatus clicked to capture it.

He’s there when Hop wakes up, for better or for worse. Victor wants to climb onto Hop and hug him and never let him go and cry like crazy, but before anything else he makes sure Hop is able to eat and drink something as soon as possible. All the while Hop can barely look Victor in the eye and say hardly anything past “thank you”s. 

Then they’re finally alone. The television in the room is playing some sports program neither of them care about at a low volume for the sake of having white noise to cover up some of the awful sounds one might hear in a hospital. Victor is incredibly lucky they have a room to themselves, the second bed in the room unoccupied for the time being.

Hop looks just as impossibly tired as he did before. He licks his dry lips. He and Victor look up and meet each other’s eyes at the same time. Before Hop can nervously turn away, Victor turns his head to follow his eyes. 

“Hey,” Victor says softly. The fact his voice is scratchy from all the screaming and crying makes Hop want to burst into tears again.

“Hey,” Hop replies, equally as quiet. “How...How long have I been out? How long have you been here?”

Victor runs a hand through his sweaty bangs. “Around, uh…” Victor looks at his fingers. “Thirty-three hours? I left for a little bit to shower and change my clothes, but aside from that I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Oh,” Hop says, looking down at his lap. He turns to look at his arm. Heavily bandaged from his elbow to his hand. He grimaces. It’s incredibly sore, but he knows that without whatever painkillers they’re pumping him full of it would be agonizing. 

“I wish I’d gotten there sooner,” Victor mutters, voice cracking. “I-I should have realized something was wrong. I’m so fucking stupid, I—”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” Hop begs, looking into Victor’s eyes.

There’s an uncomfortable silence before Hop answers Victor’s unasked question.

“I didn’t tell you about any of this, so there isn’t any way you could have known. I didn’t want you to worry.”

Victor puts one of his hands over Hop’s uninjured one, making him flinch in surprise. “You’re my best friend in the world. If it meant I could help you. Hop, I think I would do anything.”

Hop furrows his eyebrows in concern. “Victor…”

“Why did you...why did you think you had to do this? Hop, I...you—! You said I would be strong enough to move on, didn’t you? That—That is such a _lie,_ I would never move on, I would never stop thinking about you every day, I would never stop thinking of how I could have helped you more, I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Victor rambles, blinking back tears. Hop’s breath hitches.

“I wouldn’t have...I’m so _hopeless._ I’m never gonna be anyone that matters. I’m never gonna be good enough. I’ve felt like this for so long and the feelings have never gone away. I can’t take it anymore. It’s so useless for me to spend all this time suffering and not accomplishing anything. So, I decided I didn’t want to burden anyone anymore,” Hop summarizes. There’s _so_ much more he could say, _so_ many reasons, just how long he’s wanted to do this and planned on trying and backed out, and that Victor was someone who always unintentionally pulled him back to the surface for the gasp of air he needed before he would have finally drowned.

“You _do_ matter, though. You matter so much to me. And to your Pokémon and Sonia and your parents and Leon and our friends. You matter _so much._ You are good enough...you’re so, so good. I wish you could see yourself like I do,” Victor murmurs, sinking in on himself. 

Hop looks at him sadly. Despite being the one who nearly died, he feels sorry for Victor. He pities him for the fact that his childhood friend had turned out to be such a pathetic loser after years of gloating and promises of success that never came to fruition. How disappointing it must be for the one who you claimed as your rival to turn into such a failure. Should he not feel ashamed? Embarrassed to know someone that had become such a waste of space who no longer carries any dreams with him because he knows he won't achieve any of them in the end?

“I’m sorry,” Hop whimpers. 

Victor takes a few deep breaths. “Don’t apologize to me. I just want you to be okay.”

Hop opens his mouth to refute him but Victor continues. “I know you aren’t. I know I can’t magically make any of this better. And...and I hardly understand what could have gone through your head to decide to _attempt suicide._ B-But—But please let me _try._ Let me try to help and try to understand because even if I can’t do everything, maybe I can hardly do _anything..._ please.” His voice cracks. “Please let me _try._ I don’t want to lose you. No one does, but, um. I’m speaking for myself.”

Hop flips over his hand to interlock it with Victor’s. “Okay. I feel like...maybe someone as talented as you won’t understand, but...I’ll tell you everything. I’m really lucky to have you.”

“I’m really lucky to have _you,_ ” Victor repeats.

There’s more silence. Victor rubs Hop’s hand tenderly before moving to take hold of it with his other hand as well. Hop’s eyes widen when Victor puts an elbow on the bed to lean into Hop, nudging one of his shoulders under Hop’s arm and resting his head on his chest. Hop lets go of Victor’s hand to wrap his arms around Victor. Victor gets goosebumps as Hop runs his fingers through his hair. He reaches out to hug Hop with one of his arms and pulls him closer. Hop smiles to himself even if the situation is incredibly sad.

“Stay with me,” Victor pleads. Hop hums and it reverberates in Victor’s jaw. 

“Okay,” Hop answers, twirling a lock of Victor’s hair. 

“After you’re safe to leave the hospital. I can hire someone to clean your place and replace the doors. I can go over and grab your Pokémon and whatever stuff you need. Stay with me. I’ll take a temporary break as Champion. If anyone asks it’s a family emergency,” Victor elaborates. “I can help figure out stuff like where you can start therapy. And you’ll have a while to think about what to do after that. You should focus on your physical and mental health over everything else right now.”

Hop cringes at the mention of therapy. He feels a painful guilt over the fact that Victor is offering so much of this to him when Hop had tried to hide all of these feelings from him originally. But Victor holds no ill will towards Hop. No resentment or anger, just concern.

“I won’t force you. But even if you go back home after this, you can bet I’m gonna be knocking on your door every day to bring you things. Or maybe you can go stay with your family or Leon for a while,” Victor continues. Hop sucks his teeth and furrows his eyebrows. 

_‘I don’t want my family to see me like this. At least once my arm is healed I can have an easier time hiding it from them all. I don’t want to have to explain or expose anything to them unless I have no other choice,’_ Hop thinks bitterly. “That depends. Did the letters...did the rest of the letters get sent?” he asks nervously.

“I took them out of the mailbox. I-I don’t know if that was the right thing to do, but I thought that it’d be wrong to make them think you were dead if you weren’t,” Victor answers, closing his eyes and pressing his cheek to Hop’s chest. 

“No, that’s good. Thank you,” Hop assures him. There’s another short pause. Victor listens as hard as he can to make out Hop’s heartbeat. He wants to hear it himself, not just look at the lines on the machines behind him. That’s all he wants to hear. The rhythmic sound is more soothing than any lullaby could be. 

Hop can’t help but crave more contact. It’s a selfish thought that he can’t keep away. He wishes Victor would climb into this creaky hospital bed and lay next to him and hold him close. Hop wants to press his face into Victor’s chest and be enveloped in his arms, surrounded by him in every sense. He wants to forget about everything else that’s going on and be aware of nothing aside from Victor’s warmth and smell. _‘Did he read my whole letter to him? It’s been an entire day. He must have. Does this mean he, at the very least, is comfortable with the knowledge I’m attracted to him?’_ He can’t possibly ask. 

“So you will? You’ll stay with me?” Victor asks softly.

“I’ll stay with you,” Hop confirms. Victor audibly sighs in relief. 

“Okay. Good. As long as you’ll let me, I’m not going to leave your side,” he promises. There isn’t a doubt in Hop’s mind that his best friend is being truthful. He isn’t sure if it’s a good guarantee or not.


End file.
